Dissecting self-doubt

"The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life, is the source from which self-respect springs.”

DOUBTFUL BY NATURE

I began writing this post back in October when I experienced high levels of anxiety due to oncoming change. I want to help others to understand that feeling anxious and oppressed in life is normal, and more-or-less adjustable. The source of my anxiety springs from the fact that to me, life can seem boring and meaningless doing the same thing over and over again. Therefore, when tasks become trivial, and motivation slips away, I often feel a strong urge to make a change, and experience something new to brighten my surroundings and open up to a new perspective. But this goes completely against my worrisome, doubtful nature. Change has its upsides, but it can also leave you questioning yourself and your motives. The worst, most painful result of change, is regret. I have always relished the idea of pushing myself beyond my boundaries, but because it goes against my nature, I often struggle to remain calm and trust my own instincts when things in my life change; from starting a new job, to relocating, to meeting new people.

For example, I was recently offered another editorial position in Dubai. I applied for the position simply because I wanted more for myself; better pay, more experience, more readership than I was getting, and most importantly, that sense of achievement. I revel in the feeling of being wanted and needed for my skills, so I often find myself applying for positions just to see if I make the cut. I don't think I even expected to be considered; but when I was, I panicked. Initially, I received a call from the company expressing their interest. From there, I attended an interview that played out smoothly, the staff seemed nice, I aced the written test, and overall I felt optimistic. Then within a week, I was offered the new job opportunity which consisted of better pay, stronger company establishment (more readership), and international travel opportunities. Perfect scenario, right?

Deep down I knew it was, but being me, my thoughts immediately flooded with doubt. Do I have the potential to produce technology editorials? Should I leave my current position so soon? How am I going to find a new place to live that's closer to the new office location? How is my boss going to react to my resignation? What if I don't like my new boss? What if I don't know enough about the industry and can't perform well? What about the three week trip I have planned back to New Zealand? Do I really want to spend another year in Dubai when I have friends and family waiting for me back at home? Is it wrong to leave my dad living alone back at home by himself? Will I ever consider Dubai to be 'home'? Is there going to be complications with my visa? What if I'm simply not in the right state-of-mind to apply myself to a whole new set of changes?

I felt a strong sense of pressure, anxiousness, and homesickness - all because I was afraid of the coming change, causing anguish and sentiment within me, all because I doubted my abilities and overall contentment living in Dubai. Every day I face the challenges that come with isolation and independence, and making life decisions alone, because I chose to live alone. It was my decision, and I must deal with the consequences. I often feel homesick, lost, and regret moving away to a foreign country. But I also feel very satisfied at times, and fulfilled, and remember that I have grown a lot moving away from home and independently establishing myself in another country. It's a constant battle between fear of the unknown, and personal satisfaction. I've realized that as this year has played out, I keep getting what I want, except it's always shrouded in doubt, and therefore doesn't play out the way I expected it to. Too much expectation can lead to sadness.

EMBRACING NEW HORIZONS

In just nine months, my life has changed more than it ever has. My mum passed when I was young, and that was traumatic to say the least, but unlike death, which is simply frightening, the sort of change I have experienced moving to Dubai has been both frightening and satisfying. From an outside perspective, moving country can seem so simple, and I know that people often get that impression from me. But when you've dug out a life for yourself for over 20 years, never being away from home for more than three weeks, the reality of moving to a foreign country alone can hit you like a brick to the head - literally. Stress, in my experience, has even lead to chronic headaches, loss of appetite, and often insomnia. For someone like me, having built my mental stability on structure and routine, breaking the routine was the most traumatic part of relocation. But, like I said, it was my choice, and I am simply sharing my experience.

Through drastic change, I have managed to test myself, and my own personal boundaries and abilities. I've slowly figured out that comfort and stability is satisfying to a certain degree, but not always enough to live on and prosper. In order to experience a fulfilling lifestyle, and more affluent opportunity, you must first push yourself to a degree of discomfort, which will eventually (hopefully) level out. Even though I am still a control freak, and yearn for familiar comfort, I love to be pushed out of my comfort zone from time-to-time to do things that I have fantasized about. Unfortunately, this can often lead to recklessness, and unsustainable things (like too much partying) which ultimately leads to an abyss of loneliness and regret.

To anyone reading this, I would advice you to channel your curiosity and willingness to take on personal challenges, to do something constructive, mentally and physically sustainable, and most importantly, something to be proud of. It won't necessarily come easy, but it's the only way to move forward. Also, it's important not to compare your situation to others around you. Life is difficult and never straight forward, even though it may appear to be when you scroll through your Facebook timeline and immerse yourself in the seemingly glorious lives of others. Social media profiles are portrayals of what people want others to see, because it makes them feel good about themselves. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact I, like anyone else who is willing to admit it, love receiving a hefty number of 'likes' on a post I publish. The point I am trying to get across is the importance of remembering that everyone is dealing with daily struggles, and by no account is anyone's life more or less important than your own.

"It's not who you are that holds you back.
It's who you think you are not."

BUILDING A NEW IDENTITY

Growing up in the Auckland suburbs, as a kid, I was blissfully unaware of the rest of the world. Auckland is the biggest city in New Zealand, and it's easy to forget about the rest of the country. Also, the rest of the world is so far away, and almost seems irrelevant. Therefore, I grew up soaking in my surrounding culture for over 20 years. I established an identity for myself in Auckland, with ties to friends, family, and colleagues. Through them, I mentally measured myself and my abilities, and painted a picture of myself over many years, which gave me a rough idea of what I was capable of. For example, from my life experiences and learning from what others have expressed to me, I claim to be reasonably good at writing, terrible at maths, introverted, open-minded, shy, and very reflective.

When I moved to Dubai, I completely lost my sense of identity. All of the social progress I had built went down the drain. When I walk into a room here, people have a vague idea of who I am, but even those who I have known for a few months now, still don't know my history; strengths, weaknesses, preferences, dislikes, and so on. They're still trying to figure me out, and at times, it can feel frustrating, for instance, learning a colleagues humour, which takes time. It was immensely challenging proving my worth at work, all the while soaking in a new culture, a mass of new people, places, accents, arrogance, rules, navigating my way around - the list is never ending.

These challenges have proven to be beneficial in the long-run, because I am now better able to understand my limits and abilities, rather than relying on the perception that others throughout my life have reflected back. It also provided me an opportunity to rewrite my previously "ingrained" personality traits. But in order for this advice I am giving to mean something, I have to walk the talk. I must admit that since starting my new job, all of the identity doubts I felt when I first started out in Dubai have come back to me - the notion that I will have to prove myself once again. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, and I guess it's only natural. All around us, people are starting new jobs, learning new procedures, trying to familiarize with others - and it can be scary. The reality of life is that things are never going to sit still. You will always have to prove yourself and your worth to people to get to where you want to be, so I figure I might as well get used to it now, before I become too stuck in my ways. But believe me, I understand better than anyone that this is easier said than done.

TIME TO MOVE ON

One of the things I have always struggled with in life is enjoying the moment. I have this crystal clear idea of where I want to be, and anything that I am currently doing seems irrelevant until I reach that goal. The problem with this mindset is that it has created restlessness within me. I have this never-ending urge to move on, commonly associated with the phrase: "The grass is always greener on the other side." I realize now that whatever plans I have for the future can only be possible by what use I make of the present. I also often forget that the life I am living now, was once a goal I so desperately wanted to achieve years ago (to independently live in another country), and I forget to sit back and appreciate the fact that I have achieved something, as opposed to constantly setting new goals. Envisioning where you will be in the future is healthy, because it inspires hope. But on the other hand, it's also important not to get too caught up in your goals, because you might find yourself swimming in a pool of anxiousness and regret for not making the most of now. So the big question is: How can you know when it is time to finally move on from the 'now', to build on aspirations?

In my opinion, if you feel a bit stagnant in your current situation, it might be time to make a change. But beware of opinions. When I was offered my new job position, naturally, I wanted to know what others thought about it. I spoke to my dad who told me it was an amazing opportunity to grow and progress in my career (I can always rely on him for practical advice). This made me feel confident about the move, and I felt a huge sense of relief. But when I asked the opinion of a close friend of mine in Dubai, and other colleagues, I was reminded of all of the great work I had achieved at my former position.

The conflicting opinions ignited a frenzy of doubt within me, which eventually led to me sitting alone in my bedroom, feeling terribly lost and confused, because I felt as though I was freaking out about something so trivial. But doubting the relevance of my sorrow didn't help the way I felt. In fact, it just made me feel worse. I felt like a brat. I mean, there are journalists out there who can't even land one job, let alone two. But everyone deals with different issues, and whether or not they seem trivial is irrelevant, because it doesn't change the fact that it is still an issue for the person experiencing it. Doubt is a killer, so I've learnt to be wary of opinions, and not to cloud my judgement with too many conflicting scenarios.

LIVING FOR THE EXPERIENCE

In November, I started my new editorial position as a journalist for a technology magazine. Since the new position is based in the other side of the city from where I was previously living, and I don't have a car, with the help of my closest friend here in Dubai, I relocated to an area called Tecom in Dubai Internet City, which isn't far from my new office in Media City (near the Burj Al Arab hotel). My first impression of Tecom, when I was initially looking for accommodation was positive, and I was excited to adopt an urban, city-dweller lifestyle. Not quite New York City, but still a substantial step up from the quiet suburbs of Auckland. I saw Tecom as a conglomerate of high-rise towers, busy winding roads, and hotels (which in Dubai, means alcohol nearby!) But when it came to actually living my life in Tecom, I soon felt strangely alienated - like a zombie, navigating the busy-walkways of the metro station, along with hundreds of other busy-bodies, all eager to complete their 9-6 timetable to provide for their families.

There's a sense of urgency among people here in Dubai, as though they can't wait to get back to their humble apartment where they can truly relax in the comfort of their own space and cultural familiarity. Catching the elevator in my building is a challenge, as I'm used to being polite and offering others the chance to go before me, but it seems that no one else in the building is accustomed to this etiquette, and I've found that pushing your way through the crowd seems to be socially acceptable. My apartment building is huge, accommodating hundreds of people, and at times I feel as though I'm sinking into the background of my own life - waiting for elevators, queuing in line at the grocery store, and flinging my arm out to grab a taxi. It's the first time I've lived in a dense metropolis type setting, which I must admit, has made me appreciate all of the space and simplicity I grew up with in Auckland.

But for all my doubt, during the past few weeks I have been able to push past my negative impressions (easier said than done) and see my situation as a continuation of my solo journey. Living in a 30+ story building is exhilarating, and I'm growing to appreciate my first experience living with flat mates (two Chinese girls, who kindly provide me with a Heineken with dried beef and pork buns). On the 25th floor, I'm able to appreciate the vastness of Dubai from my bedroom window, and see the city for what it really is: An incredibly advanced desert oasis filled with curious, like-minded people all searching for some sort of absolution; longing for more opportunity and trying to establish some sort of career; or earnestly saving pennies to provide for their families half-way across the world. It's one of the only destinations in the Middle East that has managed to bridge the gap between East and West, and I am proud to have witnessed its growth first-hand. It's a fascinating place to familiarize with, and it will be a part of me for the rest of my life, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay here long-term.

IMAGE: View from Al Shaiba Tower, Tecom, Dubai Internet City.

Sitting here in my new office, my thoughts are conflicting. I have returned from an assignment in Dallas, Texas where I represented my company at a technology event. I was tasked with writing coverage about the event, in addition to conducting interviews with attendees and presenters. The experience ignited an amazing sense of achievement within me, being entrusted to represent a company that I had only just joined, and to be deemed worthy enough to travel on their behalf. At first I was terrified at the thought of it. I didn't feel confident enough to take on the assignment with open arms, because I felt that I was inexperienced. Now that I look back on the trip, there were times when I felt stressed out and didn't fully understand what was going on. But I managed to wing it, and came out a better, more experienced and satisfied individual. I had a luxurious room all to myself, and had some interesting discussions with people well above my pay-grade, like the CEO of a major telecom company, who at first seemed intimidating, but after a friendly conversation, turned out to be pretty down-to-earth.

I guess that's what life is all about: Taking risks, shoving insecurities to the back of your mind, doing the best you can, and reaping the benefits of potential success. I sit here in my office with conflicting thoughts, because I still feel anxious about issues that cloud my judgement on a daily basis; such as sorting out my new visa, planning for my trip back to Auckland in a few weeks, settling into my new job, and fighting the urge to keep going and not give in to fear.

I have to admit that a few weeks ago, I made up my mind to move back to New Zealand. The stress of starting a new job, moving to a new suburb, and starting all over again took a toll on me and I almost threw in the towel. Can you blame me? Stress and internal conflict can be unbearable, and sometimes you just want it to end. For me, the easiest way out was to leave this all behind, and go home. But then what? As much as he would probably like to have me around, I would be a burden on my dad, who would have to provide for me until I found a new job. I would also have to carry that awful feeling of regret: What if I had stayed? Was I being too hasty? Should I have given it more of a chance? Luckily I have met people in Dubai who have made life worth living here. I have also come to realize that I am not trapped in Dubai. I can leave whenever I want. But when I leave, it should be on good terms with no resentment.

As I reflect on this past year and all that I have done, for all the pain and stress I have experienced along the way, at least I can say I don't regret any of it. Why? Because had I not made the move to Dubai, I never would have met amazing people from around the world, seen the places I have seen, attended the incredible Eye on Earth Summit in Abu Dhabi, covered GEN15 in Dallas, developed the confidence I have, strengthened the skills I now possess, or become the person that I am, sitting here today, with a deep appreciation of home.

IMAGE: Sailing through Dubai Marina, September 2015.